


Hanging on to You

by greywolfheir



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Amnesia, Bittersweet Ending, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, M/M, Slowly remembering, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23111989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greywolfheir/pseuds/greywolfheir
Summary: Finn loses his memory when he's captured by the First Order, then returns to the Resistance. Poe handles this situation very badly.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 8
Kudos: 83





	Hanging on to You

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [(Don't) Come Back for Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6122029) by [midnightsurge](https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightsurge/pseuds/midnightsurge). 



> Essentially the same fic as midnightsurge's, this time written from Poe's POV. I changed a couple details for the flow but it's still too heavily inspired to call it my own. Let's call it a fanfic of a fanfic. 
> 
> I'm really proud of this one, and I hope you enjoy it!

Poe awakes one morning to alarms blaring. It was a security breach, something that had never happened before. He shoots out of bed, throws on his boots and jacket, and grabs his blaster before racing out the door. He fights through the crowd to make it to the hangar, where he immediately spots the TIE fighter headed that way. It isn’t flying straight--something had hit its side--and it’s going to crash. Poe holds back, his blaster at the ready, but something in the back of his mind notes that the TIE fighter isn’t actively attacking them. It’s just coming in for a landing.When it crashes, there’s a minor explosion and the TIE fighter lies still. Poe waits with the rest for the pilot or the gunner to come out. After a while, some men move forward to extract them.

They come out with only one figure dressed in Stormtrooper armor but missing the helmet, and Poe nearly drops his blaster in his shock. No, it can’t be…

Before he even knows what his legs are doing, Poe is racing forward. When he gets a better look at who they’re holding, Poe  _ does _ drop his blaster, if only to help the men carry him. 

_ Finn _ . It’s  _ Finn _ . Of all the people in the world Poe had never expected to see again--of all the people in the world Poe  _ desperately  _ wanted to see again--Finn ranked number one. Poe gently places Finn on the med bay transporter and chases after it. 

Luckily, through his shock, and a feeling of hope he’d thought was lost to him forever, Poe manages to snap at a random person, “Someone alert the General that Finn is back!”

He doesn’t have time to stick around and see if they do it, but soon after, Finn is placed in a bed in med bay, and the General is rushing in. Poe was holding Finn’s hand by then and refusing to let go.

“Poe,” Leia says softly, and Poe tries not to hear the warning in her voice. Tries not to notice that the hand he was holding was devoid of its wedding band. Tries  _ desperately _ not to cry right then and there.

“He’s back,” Poe says roughly. “He came back.”

“Poe,” Leia says again, “he was gone for a long time. We don’t know--”

“He came back,” Poe says, more firmly this time.

Leia simply nods at that.

\-----

It happened three months ago. 

Finn had been assigned on a mission to attempt to infiltrate an important First Order base. Poe hated it--hated the  _ idea _ of it, but the General had insisted Finn was the best person for the job. It was fairly simple: a small team would go in dressed as Stormtroopers, turn off the shields and cause as much damage as they could manage, then allow the rest of the Resistance teams destroy the base.

Finn had been worried about it, too, though, Poe could tell. Being with someone for three years tended to give you a pretty good insight into the workings of their mind. Still, even though Poe hated every step of the plan, he’d gone out of his way to reassure Finn.

“Hey, look at me,” he’d said pressing his forehead to Finn’s when Finn had been having a particularly hard time--specifically, he’d been terrified of re-indoctrination, “I promise you, I’m never letting them get ahold of you. I’m never, ever letting you forget me. Forget any of us. You got that?”

And even though Finn knew Poe wasn’t going on this mission, he’d nodded anyway. Because he believed in Poe. Believed in what they had together.

The first sign that something was wrong was when the team missed their third check-in. Not really too much of a problem--they could have gotten held up. It was six hours later without a word from them that Poe stopped glancing at the General, too afraid of what he’d see in her face.

Twenty-four hours after that, Poe was starting up Black One, ready to go on a solo rescue mission when the hangar bay doors began to close too quickly for him to escape.

Twenty minutes after that Poe was grounded indefinitely.

It was around the two month mark when Poe lost all hope. If he’d been alive and re-indoctrinated, The First Order would have paraded their new golden boy around in their propaganda. “FN-21-whatever-the-fuck, back and working for the FIrst Order, out of the clutches of those pesky Resistance fighters!” It would have been everywhere. 

And they certainly didn’t keep prisoners for this long.

Now, nearly three months later, Finn is back and Poe is starting to believe in the concept of hope again. 

\-----

After a while, a small crowd of Poe and Finn’s friends started to gather around the doors to Finn’s room, Poe and Rey front and center. The General had insisted she be the first face Finn sees. A sort-of neutral ground, in case he  _ had  _ been re-indoctrinated. Poe was willing to do what he had to do to stay in the room with Finn, so he didn’t argue.

When Finn begins to rouse, it was all he could do not to rush forward, but Rey grabs his forearm and centers him. 

Finn opens his eyes and blinks multiple times before the General finally says, “Finn? Are you alright? Can you hear me?”

Finn frowns at that and turns his head towards Leia.

“Finn?”

Finn’s frown deepens.

Leia takes a deep breath and asks a question Poe is too scared to hear but does anyway: “What’s your name?”

“FN-2187,” comes the immediate reply, and Poe feels his throat constrict, Rey’s hand gripping his arm more firmly. He barely hears the whispers and gasps behind him.

Finn looks up at the sound, and Poe can’t stand it. Can’t stand the blank look in Finn’s eyes when he sees Poe and Rey and the rest of them. Poe immediately turns heel, ripping his arm out of Rey’s grip, and leaves. 

He barely makes it around the corner when he hears Jess calling his name. He ignores her. She calls again, getting closer because Poe can’t kriffing  _ see _ when his eyes are stinging so badly. Just before Poe reaches the last hallway leading to his quarters, Jess finally catches his arm.

“ _ Hey _ , Dameron,” she says, “you can’t just run away like that when Finn needs you ri--”

“He doesn’t even  _ remember  _ me, Jess!” Poe snaps. “You saw the way he looked at me.”

Jess doesn’t try to deny it.

“I ca-I can’t...I just  _ can’t _ , alright?” Poe says as the first tear falls. 

Jess claps a hand on his shoulder and waits till he looks her in the eye before saying, “Alright, Dameron, you can take all the time you need, but promise me you’ll be there for him when he needs you.”

Poe, unable to speak, just nods. Jess claps him on the shoulder again and nods back before stepping back to allow Poe to head to his quarters. Once inside, Poe leans against his door before slowly sliding down to the ground and sobbing into his knees. 

That night, he cries himself to sleep.

\-----

Poe doesn’t know why, but that night, he dreams of their first kiss. 

It happened suddenly one day. They’d been out walking through the forest of D’Qar and stopped to rest against a tree. BB-8 had gone with them and all three of them had been talking when Finn had laughed at some stupid joke Poe had made, and Poe had stared too long at the curve of Finn’s throat when he’d thrown his head back. Finn had noticed Poe looking, and had glanced at Poe’s lips--just for a second, but it was long enough for Poe to realize maybe the looks they’d been sharing the past few months  _ had _ meant what Poe had so desperately wanted them to mean. With renewed courage, Poe had leaned forward and pressed his lips to Finn’s.

It wasn’t a perfect kiss by any stretch of the imagination, but Poe didn’t care. He knew, then and there, that they’d have plenty of opportunities to practice.

\-----

Poe is woken up that morning by a knock at the door. He sits up and groggily wipes at his eyes, realises they’re sore from crying, and all the memories come flooding back.

The second knock comes again and Poe dreads what they’re going to say but opens the door anyway.

“We’ve looked all over the base, Commander Dameron, but we can’t find Finn,” says the doctor at his door. Poe’s eyes widen and he quickly steps back to put on his boots and jacket--a repeat of earlier--and races around the base to find Finn.

On a whim, Poe heads to a tree--not just any tree but  _ the _ tree. There’s no way in the entire universe Finn knows where it is if he’s lost his memory but Poe’s checked all over the base too and he’s fresh out of ideas.

Sure enough, moments later, Poe spots Finn leaning against the tree with his head between his knees. Poe snaps a twig under his feet, and Finn looks up.

“Finn-- _ shit, _ ” Poe says automatically before stopping himself.  _ He doesn’t remember that name, Dameron _ . “Uh, FN-2...1-- _ fuck _ .” Poe looks away and swallows hard.

“Finn,” Finn says softly, and Poe’s eyes snap back to his. “I...I like being Finn more than I like being FN-2187.”

Poe nods and swallows again. Looks away again. “Finn. They’re looking for you in medbay.”

Finn looks down again and curls back in on himself.

“Finn?” Poe asks. “Are you okay? Is your back hurting you again?”

Finn doesn’t respond.

After a moment Poe takes a shaky breath before coming to a realization.

“I can’t do this,” he mutters under his breath, and turns to walk away. It hurts when he realizes Finn doesn’t follow him.

He directs the team to where they need to go to collect Finn, and hides in his room, willing himself not to cry again.

\-----

Rey comes into his room later that day with BB-8 in tow. Poe tries to smile at the sight of the droid but smiling is something he hasn’t done in a long time. Rey sits in his desk chair and stares at Poe as he sits on the edge of his bed.

“You gonna say anything, or…?”

“The General says we can’t say anything to him,” Rey says finally.

Poe raises an eyebrow. “And that’s because…?”

“The doctors say it’s because it might interrupt his healing process...or something. I think it’s a load of bollocks, but Leia gave very strict instructions. He has to remember on his own for now.”

_ If he’s going to remember at all, _ Poe doesn’t add. He just nods and looks down.

“He mentioned you,” Rey adds instead, and Poe snaps his eyes back to hers. She gives him an apologetic look. “He asked what your name was.”

Poe clenches his jaw at that and looks back down. Tries not to start crying again. Finally chokes out, “This is worse than thinking he was dead.”

“ _ Hey _ ,” Rey says immediately, holding out a hand and pressing it to Poe’s, “don’t say that. You know it’s not true.”

Poe bites his lip and tries not to correct her. Tries not to tell her how he’d already made peace with a dead Finn. A Finn that looks at him without the slightest hint of recognition--one that has to ask for Poe’s name--is just new pain every single time.

Rey lets Poe stay silent and explains to BB-8 how he can’t go see FInn because it might affect Finn’s healing. BB-8 is indignant but eventually aquieces. She leaves then, allowing BB-8 to stay but warning him not to talk too much about Finn, to Poe’s chagrin. Poe nods to her in thanks before she leaves, giving him a sad smile before closing the door. 

\-----

Poe continues to dream about Finn, if he gets any sleep at all. Just snippets of moments with him--Finn laughing, Finn’s face scrunching up as he attempts to learn binary from BB-8, Finn’s face when Poe had proposed by the lake. Still, it’s enough to make Poe not want to sleep ever again--like his brain is torturing him.

Finn is released from medbay a few days after the incident in the woods, and Poe begins seeing him around the base. He always tries to leave as soon as possible--avoids Finn’s gaze. He even avoids Rey, because every time he sees her, she gives him another depressing update on Finn’s never-changing condition.

Poe begins to get antsy--a feeling he usually solves by flying--but he’s still grounded thanks to his last attempt at a rescue mission. The only way to fix it, of course, is by talking to the General.

“No,” she says immediately. 

“May I ask why not?” Poe tries to ask coolly.

“You’re still a liability risk,” she answers. “I don’t know what you’re going to do right now.”

“You can’t keep me grounded forever!” Poe says, becoming desperate. “It’s been three months. You need me up in the air, even you can’t deny that!”

“It’s not about what the Resistance needs, Poe,” the General says, a warning tone creeping into her voice. “This is for your own safety –”

“Oh, bullshit!” Poe snaps.

“That is enough, Commander Dameron!” the General snaps back, pulling rank.

Poe, frustrated but knowing he’s not going to get anywhere, storms out--and nearly runs directly into Finn. Thankfully, he catches himself in time, but his traitorous hands come up in an attempt to hold the man they way they’d done so many times before. He snatches them back down quickly but Finn still notices.

Finn’s eyes glaze over then and he starts to breathe rapidly. Before Poe knows it, Finn’s wobbling and dangerously close to toppling over. Poe instantly holds out his hands and grasps Finn’s arms to steady him

“Finn?” Poe asks, then when he gets no response, “ _ Finn! _ ”

Finn’s breathing slows down a little bit more but he doesn’t say anything, so Poe asks, one more time, “Finn? You alright?”

“Sorry,” Finn finally says glancing around wildly. “Sorry--I don’t--I should--”

And then, before Poe can say anything, Finn’s gesturing in a vague direction and heading off towards it.

Poe doesn’t look back at Leia even though he knows her eyes are boring into his. He just leaves.

\-----

If the General won’t let him  _ fly _ his X-Wing, Poe decides, the least he can do is keep up with her maintenance. Keep up with it  _ really well _ . Besides, it gives BB-8 something to do too. And if Finn never happens to go to the hangars either, well, all the better for Poe.

Unfortunately, this logic falls through one day, when Rey arrives in the hangar--presumably to visit Jess--with Finn in tow.

Poe doesn’t miss how all the pilots quiet down and look at him once Finn makes his appearance. Poe himself even freezes with a wrench in his hand.

BB-8, on the other hand, doesn’t notice the tension in the room, and whirrs and chirps loudly at FInn’s arrival, rolling over immediately to greet him.

Finn finally looks away from Poe and directs his gaze at the droid, who’s bumping against his shins to get his attention.

“Um, hello?” he says. “Sorry, I don’t understand binary.”

Poe clenches his jaw and throws the wrench to the ground, startling Finn into looking up. Poe looks away immediately and starts heading toward the exit.

“Come on, BB-8,” Poe says as he leaves, ignoring the droid’s confused chatter.

\-----

Poe can’t sleep that night, instead decides he wants to finish working on his X-Wing. It turns out to be a mistake. 

Finn comes in hours later, just as Poe begins to finish up. He’s crying for some reason, and much as Poe wants to look away, pretend he doesn’t see Finn, he can’t help wanting to fix whatever the problem is. He always hated seeing Finn cry. What Poe ends up doing is setting down his tools, startling Finn, who looks around wildly.

“There’s no one else here,” Poe says. Then it hits him why Finn is out in the hangar so late. Why he’s afraid of other people being there. Finn is trying to leave. Poe sighs and wipes his hands on a rag. “Go back to sleep, Finn. If you still want to leave in the morning, the General will help find you a shuttle out.”

Finn blinks at that, then must decide he doesn’t like it because he gets an upset look on his face. “Why’d they ground you, huh?” he snaps as Poe tries to look away. “What did you do? Turn down an assignment? Start thinking differently from the Resistance? Fall in love?”

Poe snaps his eyes back up to Finn’s at that, unable to stop them from widening in shock. What had made Finn say that? It didn’t have something to do with First Order conditioning--did it? Poe specifically remembered telling Finn about the concept of love when they’d first gotten together. Not just getting together and having sex and kissing all the time. True love wasn’t a thing the First Order taught.

Before Poe could form these thoughts into words, Finn was turning on his heel and leaving. Poe doesn’t bother to call after him.

\-----

The next morning, Poe startles at the sudden banging on his door.

“Poe Dameron,” Snap is shouting through the door, “open this door right now!”

Poe sighs wearily. He’s definitely too tired for whatever this is about. Still he opens the door. Snap barges in pointing an accusing finger at Poe. “ _ Tell _ me you did  _ not _ tell Finn he should leave this base.”

Poe blinks at the tone but shrugs in response. “He’s the one that wanted to leave. I just told him to talk to the General.”

Snap lowers his finger, balls it into a fist, and shakes his head. “No, no,  _ no _ , this is  _ not _ happening on my watch.”

Poe rolls his eyes. “If he wants to leave, he should be able to leave.”

“ _ Poe! _ ” Snap yells, “Fucking  _ talk to him! _ Maybe after that he won’t want to leave.”

“And say  _ what _ , exactly?” Poe snaps back. “‘Hey Finn, I’m your husband; I know you don’t remember that but it hurts every time you look at me so try to remember, please and thanks’?”

“ _ Yes, _ that exactly!”

Poe shakes his head, “The doctors said--”

“Fuck the doctors!” Snap says, throwing his hands in the air. “He’s clearly not remembering on his own, so just tell him--”

“Have you ever considered the fact that maybe he doesn’t  _ want _ to remember?” Poe interrupts trying desperately not to make his voice quaver. “Because I have. Or what about the fact that I promised him-- _ promised him _ \--this would never happen?  _ Maybe _ ,” Poe says with emphasis, stepping into Snap’s space, ignoring the burning sensation in his eyes, “Finn is better off without me.”

Snap’s mouth drops open at that and he slowly begins to shake his head. “I don’t believe this. I know  _ you _ don’t believe  _ any _ of that.” He starts to back away, but before turning around, points another finger in Poe’s direction and says emphatically, “I’m gonna fix this.”

\-----

Poe wakes up a week later to the sound of shuffling in his room to see Finn standing up next to the door.

“Finn?” he asks blearily, sitting up. “Why are you up, buddy? Did you have another bad dream?”

“How do you know about those?” Finn asks, his eyes wide. Suddenly, Poe becomes fully awake and he remembers everything that’s happened.

“How did you get in here?” Poe asks, suddenly tense.

Finn doesn’t answer, he’s looking at something over Poe’s shoulder intently. He says, “That’s me.”

Poe looks over at the holo on his bedside table. Their wedding photo. The one he can’t bring himself to put away.

“That’s me,” Finn says breathlessly. Then, with more emphasis, “That’s  _ me _ .”

Poe swallows, feeling nervous, suddenly, as his hands begin to shake. “Yeah that’s you.”

“ _ How _ ?”

“This isn’t the first time you escaped from the First Order,” Poe sighs. He runs a hand through his hair. Fuck, this was it, wasn’t it? “Last time...last time, I was being held prisoner on the Star Destroyer, and right when I thought I’d finally reached the end, a stormtrooper pulls me out of there, tells me he needs a pilot.” Finn’s shaking just as much as Poe is, he realizes. “You’ve been with the Resistance up until three months ago, when the First Order captured you.”

“They made me forget everything,” Finn breathes.

Poe nods. “We thought they’d killed you. I tried--I tried to find you, bring you back…”

“Snap says you tried to go on a suicide mission.” 

Poe bites his lip, nods again. What else did Snap say? “I wasn’t gonna come back without you.”

Finn is silent for a long moment, then he suddenly started looking wobbly again and Poe was out of the bed by his side immediately. “Finn? Finn please--”

“I dreamt of you,” Finn says suddenly, and Poe almost doesn’t believe it until Finn says it again. “I dreamt of you almost every night.”

“ _ Finn _ \--” Poe chokes out, holding back a sob. He can’t hold back the tear that escapes one eye.

And then Finn faints.

“ _ Shit, _ ” Poe hisses using one hand the wipe his eyes as the other tries to hold Finn upright. Then he’s carrying him bridal style to medbay, still in his nightclothes.

\-----

Poe stays by Finn’s side all night after the doctors leave, and it’s only a couple of hours later before he hears the sheets rustling. Poe looks up and meets Finn’s eyes, searching. FInn meets Poe’s just as intently. It’s Finn who speaks first.

“You hate me,” he says in a low voice.

Poe shakes his head immediately. “No, of course I don’t.”

But Finn doesn’t believe him. “You do. I’m not  _ him _ . I’m not the Finn you knew before. I have the same face but--that Finn doesn’t exist anymore.”

“Hey, that’s not true,” Poe assures him. “You left  _ again _ , Finn. They took away your memories but you still left. The First Order was never able to control you.”

“Why did no one tell me?” Finn asked. “Why didn’t  _ you? _ ”

Poe pulls away a little at that. He takes a steadying breath and looks down. “I made a promise before you left,” he admits. “I promised they wouldn’t get you. I promised I wouldn’t let you forget.”

After a moment, Finn says, “You let me forget when you chose not to tell me.”

And, wow, okay, yeah that stings. A lot. Poe’s eyes snap back up to Finn’s and he gapes at him, unable to say anything in response. 

Finn suddenly rolled over onto his side, his back towards Poe.

_ Kriff _ , he’d fucked this up.

\-----

Finn doesn’t come out of his room for days after that. Poe knows Finn wouldn’t even leave to get food when he was like this, so he made sure to bring him some every day.

And every day, Poe goes to the lake where he’d proposed to Finn and smoked his own hand-rolled cigarettes. He hadn’t been here since Finn had been taken by the First Order, but after Finn’s revelation--after  _ Poe’s _ revelation, he’d come back. After all, if Finn hadn’t hated him before, he most certainly hated him now. Might as well enjoy the good memories even if they were all in the past.

One day, he heard someone come up behind him and he knew without looking it was Finn. Only a matter of time before he’d find the place.

“You smoke?” Finn asks behind him.

“Sometimes,” Poe says, not looking back.

“You avoided me this whole time,” Finn says with determination. “You told me to  _ leave _ .”

“I did,” Poe agrees quietly, looking down at his cigarette. “I thought it would be best, I--I thought you’d be safe.”

Finn scoffs and Poe knows he’s angry now. “How would I have been  _ safe _ ?”

“The Resistance is a target, Finn,” Poe says, finally looking up and meeting Finn’s eyes “The First Order--they...they would have found you again, and I couldn’t stop them last time. Who’s to say that’ll change?”

There’s a long pause and Finn sits next to Poe, who takes a drag from his cigarette, allowing Finn time to think. He’s just exhaled the smoke when Finn asks, “Is there a way for me to remember?”

Poe shrugs, casting Finn a sideways glance. Finn isn’t angry anymore for some reason. “We don’t know. You’ve already broken through the indoctrination a little. You flew the ship here, and I  _ know _ you didn’t learn that from the First Order.”

“Did you teach me to fly?” Finn asks, and Poe has to shift his gaze back to over the lake before he nods. 

They’re silent for another long moment and Poe stubs out his cigarette. He’s surprised when Finn finally says “You must have loved me before...you  _ married _ me.”

Poe glances down at the wedding band still on his finger after all this time. “I still love you.”

“I’m not the same,” Finn counters.

“You’re still the same where it counts,” Poe says easily, looking over at Finn again. “I fell in love with you on the  _ Finalizer _ . Before you had a name.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Poe blinks. And it’s probably not a good idea, it’s probably the worst idea he’s ever had, but he smiles and nods.

Finn starts to lean in but pulls back just a bit, their faces inches apart. “That’s the first time I’ve seen you smile since I got back.”

Poe thinks about it. It's probably the first time he's smiled since Finn left. “Yeah?”

Finn nods. “I dreamt about your smile a lot. I missed it before I even knew I was missing something.”

And what’s Poe supposed to do with that? He does the only thing he can think of in that moment and kisses Finn soundly on the lips. He probably tastes like tobacco and burnt paper but Finn makes a pleased sound that brings back feelings Poe thought he’d never feel again. When he pulls away, he’s got tears running down his cheeks. Finn reaches up with his thumb to brush them away.

“I want to remember,” Finn whispers.

“We’ll figure it out,” Poe says with determination. “We’ll find a way.”

And Finn does kiss him then, and suddenly Poe feels like the whole world has shifted back into place. Whether or not Finn gets his memory back, Poe is willing to be there for him every step of the way.

  
  



End file.
